Thursday, 17 December 2009

Hooray for being not wanted

Queues for the toilets are the best places for learning things. All sorts of things over the years. Things to make Ed Balls blush. Today however I realised the total bliss of not being wanted.

A whole gang of us had taken over half the local theatre for a fabulous prod of A Christmas Carol. Amongst the rest of the audience were children all wearing red jumpers. I'm so out of the loop now it took me ages to work out why they were all wearing the same thing. Duh. And then in the interval there was an insight to the outside world. There were updates on the threatened snow - definitely starting its campaign to screw up my plans (Bah Humbug) and one lady (must have been A Teacher) was saying how they'd already been ordered that they had to make an effort to get to work tomorrow no matter what. Most of the queue were urging mutiny: 'Stay at home and play in the snow' 'Give the kids a break' 'Baahh Humbug'. But according to the edict if they can't make it to the school they work in they must get to the nearest school. Are they serious? What a laugh! Carry On Up the Swannee...

My first thought as a life-long authority-dodger was exactly how much effort would be considered enough? Merely thinking about it the night before would satisfy me. But I recognise that there are people out there who feel obliged to do as asked. How many bruised arses and dented cars will it take tomorrow morning for these good people to finally turn-tail and go and build rude snowmen instead?

Isn't it bring a game-to-lose to school and wear baubles on your head day tomorrow anyway? The stiffening of the upper lip must be on Nat Curric now - can't possibly let these children have a day off just because there's a little bit of snow for heaven's sake! This would simply teach them to be lazy don'tcha know! Alaska doesn't shut down after every flurry! Baaahhh!

How fantastic is it to be no longer required? We did have the last gymnastics tomorrow - but they can jump on the settees - they do anyway. I was going to pick up my Leopard Boy but he can stay put in his chum's house and throw snowballs at him instead. We were going to do a bit of shopping after - but that's always a good idea to skip. What's the worry?

We're not lazy - we're thoroughly sensible. We'll not be adding any burden to the emergency services. We'll be keeping out of the way of the people who are actually needed - very thoughtful.

But we'll be HAVING FUN!!! Outrageous.

And I have a crucial follow up project for today's educational theatre trip. I have secured a pristine DVD copy of the highly regarded film version of Dickens' classic. Oh yes - The Muppets' Christmas Carol!

'Light the lamp not the rat! Light the lamp NOT THE RAT!'

I love it.

By the way in case you were joyfully imagining me all bonny in chunky knitwear tomorrow rolling out snow boulders with Mariah Carey - my idea of fun is handing the small shivering things carrots on the back doorstep and shutting the door. If Himself has charged up a camera I may take photos through the window. Depends where they put the carrot.

I shall now go to bed in all my clothes.... and stay that way all day tomorrow. Bliss.

One snowman to another: 'Ere...can you smell carrots?


  1. you have inspired and enlightened me, dalia lama; i shall trawl the charity shops now for a muppet christmas carol.

    christmas brings out the worst girly swot side in me. i have had to stay my hand from wrapping up for the kids a little something i picked up already: a box cd set of 'philosophy for beginners'.

    but you are right. they really would like the 50p vhs box of muppet christmas carol instead.

  2. I have to curb that swotty tendency too. My famous cabinet (my insurance card in case of an LA hinspection) is stuffed with fascinating child-friendly historical, geographical, Frenchical (and the like) books - only ever pulled out by me and rearranged regularly with twisted pride. THEY only ever open the damn doors to find a pencil sharpener - and that's usually just Miss Madam wanting it for eye-liner. But now and then I try and get 'down with the kidz' - follow up to The Chocolate Factory the other week - let's watch Chocolat and eat lots of chocolate; follow up to Macbeth (Shakespeare4Kidz) let's find some Terry Pratchett books; follow up to The Tower of London - let's play Princes in the Tower.....