Saturday, 16 July 2011

High Jinks to Low Camp

My lot have been having a right old time of late. Dog Boy's been taken to Goodwood Festival of Speed by a pal and his dad the other weekend, and went to The Open yesterday with his dear golf-crazed pa. Although not as well organised as ..whatever that other championship at Wentworth a few weeks ago where they got full-on Lee Westwood and Luke Donald action, they did see Bubba tee off and got a blast of Phil Mickelson. And even if they didn't waste much energy on conversation, it was Father/Son stuff.

Last weekend was Thuglet's fifth birthday. We had larks in the park after an illustration workshop with Alex Milway (of Mousehunter and The Mythical 9th Division world) with cake and the fastest ever 'HappyBirthdayToYouHappyBirthdayToYouHappyBirthdayDearThuglethappyBirthdayToYou NOW BLOOOW!!!' rendition ever due to gale forces, followed by golf with Dad in the morning, endless loops of Despicable Me on DVD, more cake and no pants on the actual day and THEN the family (or half a family as I didn't ask my half) on the Sunday for over-soaped (over-soaped! my kids!! that's funny!!!) water-slide antics down the slopey bit in our garden. I filmed the motley slippy contortionist sibs and cousins being cinematically exuberant for over 20 minutes (that's some sentence - sorry - couldn't have put it better - I mean I am incapable of putting it better cos I'm tired and need a wee) - and then deleted it instantly. Didn't get the World's Bestest Mum Award. More cake?

Minx has been loving the Trinity Youth Theatre's latest stage fighting and puppet-making activities and has now thrown herself into their new fanzine. On Thursday she and a couple of other bouncy chirrupers got the gig to interview Phill Jupitus before his set and then her bounciest chum (the lovely bonkers Lu-Lu of a previous post) even managed to wangle a couple of free tickets to the show afterwards thanks to their wink-wink connections. Not only that but their wink-wink connection-in-chief lifted some crisps from the bar and organised a reserved table with their drinks on for the interval! Alright for some eh? When they came out Lu-Lu Cheeeeese (her full title) babbled 'OMG it was soooooo funny he said the 'c' word about 30 times!' I took her firmly by the shoulders and looked deep into her eyes 'Do not tell your mother!' We were locked in collusion. And then we both told her mother.

Just trying to think of Little Rock Godling's special somethings lately.... Poor love does get overlooked. But he enjoyed the illustration thing. Gods I really must pay my little mad professor more attention.... Well he has been very busy making small strange robots to keep Daddy company when I'm upstairs asleep. Maybe I should cobble together a robot mummy that actually knows he DOESN'T LIKE SWEETCORN....

Ah well. We've been Out & About more than In & Chillin' for so long I've forgotten how to work the washing machine. But there is no time for contemplation....


All the glitter and sparkle of our lives starts to take on a sinister glint.

In case you're not au fait.... it's camping. With other Home Educating types. For a week.

In an airfiled.

Somewhere not exotic.

Or near a beach.

Mr Roving Blade is squirming in horror at the mention. He's already expressed the torture of 'having to spend a whole week with THOSE people'.

'Why did you agree to come then?'
'I didn't.... I wasn't thinking.... splooglebrmmptingmush...eeek... '
'Just think, once we're there, the kids'll disappear and we won't have to entertain them at all! It'll be fine!'
'....ingmimbingmomblblblsprnggglshshhhh... be chained to the gas stove all day.... what will Dog Boy eat???? ...bimblebimlbbpffffflnggg...sob...'
'It'll be fine! Bring your golf clubs. Look up local courses. Bugger off every day and come back with chips.'
'....ahuahuahuahuah... tofu.... sandles.... teepees... bastards..... uhhhhhmmmmnnnnnggrmbl....! '
'Come on.... It'll be fine. We'll grab the guitars... you can take lots of pictures... make fires!! Now we're going round to J's on Monday for tent erection lessons and we've got a week to see what we can nick from everyone else. We just need lots of blankets and quilts and crisps. It'll be fine!'
'....oooooooooooooooooggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...uhuuuhhhh ....uhuuuuggggghhhhh...'
'It'll... be... fi...ohhhhhhhggggghhhhhh sob sob sob.............

His wild-eyed terrified anticipation has finally dented my hair gel. I'm not worried about being scummy or not sleeping. That's a normal state of being. It's not the four savage monkeys despite the eating/other people seeing what we're eating I fear. It's not even the erection dramas to come. It's having this old woman and stroppy teenager rolled into one large loud problem of a personage....... And it not being Mr RB...... It may just be me.

It's gonna be fucking awful isn't it?

We're getting into practice. I've not fed the kids all day, it's pissing down and all the boys are out in it just in pants, I really need a wee but can't face dealing with the slimy mud-splattered floor of the downstairs toilet and Mr RB has indeed buggered off. OK he's working but I don't think he was entirely displeased with driving away from the house.

Come on!!! Scruff of neck time. It has been another mental week/month/purgatorial stretch so maybe looking ahead to a week of not driving around late for something screaming at my watch, heroically averting small people entering shops burbling about their (already half-inched) birthday money (well what do you expect? He's only five and I'm skint) and having every straight-from-the-freezer dinner accompanied by The Simpsons on full blast could be considered a meditational retreat.

Even if there might be bongoes and cous-cous.... We can DO this thing!

Well - I'm planning on bringing my washboard and thimbles - and plenty of Kellogg's variety. We'll BORE them all into submission yeah! We may not be home-grown. We may not be articulate. We may not know how to do a boating knot. We may not have African drums hanging from our nipples but we can sing all the words to Spongebob, shoot the washing off the line with Nerf guns and wear stupid baseball caps.

Has anyone ever been ejected from Hesfes for 'normal' behaviour?

Surely bringing a washboard is normal?


  1. So funny. I loved the line" Mr RB has buggered off again. Okay he's working". The day in the rain, not feeding the kids, I feel it. Days without camp here - its been winter all summer - feel surreal ...hours of TV watching and letting the kids order Pizza for lunch, the pizza guy is the only adult I met all day. Bit like that new Sofia Coppola movie with all the ennui in Hollywood, but me not being a disenchanted rock star. Just like it!

  2. Yeah summer rain! I thought that was just a British thing!!! I might look into that film - I like ol' Sofia. Love 'Lost In Translation' - she's obviously got the disenchanted and ennui stuff down to a tee. Maybe she should come round here for a day - we could Nerf-blast her out of her reveries! Then she'd end up making a bang bang bang bang film (as opposed to a kiss kiss bang bang...) Maybe not....

  3. Methinks she doth protest too much - I think you secretly can't wait for this Hesfes thing.

    'His wild-eyed terrified anticipation has finally dented my hair gel' ...genius line!

  4. Unfortunately due to typical summer weather our erection lessons were cancelled and a youtube link for the necessary procedure was enjoyed instead. Even had porny mood music accompaniment. But was also offered private toilet facilities (a pop-up tent with fairy lights) so all seems well. I even got into the spirit by buying a squidgy bowl/bucket thing today so we can sent small slaves off with clattering dirty tin plates to find water. Advised on bringing trailerful of socks and replacing certain family members' seating space with extra duvets. Feeling a bit better now. It's all good facebok/blog material tho' innit? ....Is that groaning I can hear already???

  5. camping!!! you are a braver woman than I, honestly without class As it's just not humanly possible and those days are long gone!! good luck....

  6. we are there on tuesday, mme sg. any chance we can say hello? we have only a day ticket! we have to be elsewhere with aunty dee at the end of the week (...and i am not camping with a dodgy toilet in an airfield because i am not insane).

  7. YaH: with you sister.... hoping for a Lobotomy Workshop tent before we reach the Intelligent Parenting Workshop tent. Oh hang on.... think we did that already.... must've done, otherwise why would I be willingly going camping with my husband??? And I've rashly booked another 3-day camping lark in September at Camber - the windiest place on earth. Still don't even own a tent. Think I must have a death wish....

    Grit: I will seek you out you 'not insane' woman. Be afraid!!! Or I'll be sobbing somewhere near the migraine-inducing SEHE banner, which will probably have been blown down by then anyway.... most likely with me under it.... wonder if there's a Positive Thinking Workshop tent.... I hope not....