SATURDAY 30th OCTOBER: In between being That-Woman-Who-Barely-Contains-Her-Bile-And-Hisses-At-Her-Small-Child-Through-Clenched-Teeth-In-Sainsbury's and That-Perfect-Smiling-Devoted-Pinny-Smoother-Encircled-By-Perfect-Smiling-Rosy-Little-Faces, there had to be a little work. I won't burden you. But there was more hissing. Possibly a little shouting. A sprinkling of screaming. And the merest hint of bi-polar implosion. But we made it through our 'traditional' (????????) Halloween family love-in. We got big pumpkins, we got little pumpkins (oh yes they bloody are - 'squash' is not for the likes of us). We got sweeties. We got a deluded madwoman determined to make this a Lovely-Bloody-Evening-For-Everyone!!!!!! Bit more hissing......
This IS our damned tradition. At least I tried to initiate this lantern-lit garden sweetie hunt last year. They all want to do that Trick or Treat lark. We don't have neighbours. We don't have many invitations either. Following Daddy out the back gate and round to the front door, (leaving Mummy just enough time to grab sweets, a wig and scary lipstick to answer the knock with a cackle), just wasn't going to cut it this year. Last year I managed to sell Minx for the night to ToT with a chum in her street. Result! This still left 3 boys. On a roll we sold them to Nanny and Grandad while Mr GPants and I scarpered to see Steve Earle playing over in Croydon - (scary enough). I lovingly prepared separate decorated bags of sweeties for each and quietly asked Grandad to hide them all in their garden and let them go out with their little carved lanterns to seek them out. Caring and Creative Mother Rewards surely a given.....
So did you go out in Grandad's garden with your lanterns last night?
No Grandad had his torch.
Oh. Well did it take you long to find all the sweeties?
Nah. Grandad hung them in the tree by the front door.
Yeah. He hung the Tesco's bag you gave him in the tree.
Oh...... Good ol' Grandad.
Cut to this year and the cute sight of 4 excited little moppets scuttling through the back door, swinging their lanterns like it's 1967 down the Kings Road.... Their mission: find all 5 spooky picture bags full of sweeties - pumpkin, spider, skull, bat and ghost. Just one each!!! Just ONE!!! How many skulls have you got there? No I'm not relighting that damn lantern again. Just put the bloody thing down, find the friggin' sweets and let's get back inside for the 2nd half of TV Burp. Oh and have you all found your extra secret treat thing too? Well where did you put it? Yes I know you don't like the popping candy ones but there's a normal one for you - oh just go and look near the fence. Yes it bloody is! On the post! Oh for gods' sake THERE! COME ON!!!
Back inside, ready for my shiny pinny-smoothing moment..... 'Mu-um! You KNOW we don't like these ones!!! Sp - sp - spl - spleugh.... '
Still working on the multi-coloured striped jellies. Think I'll pour them down their pants.
But tonight it is ACTUAL Halloween night and I have managed again to sell Minx to her chum AND secure an invitation to a ToT party for the boys. Yes, MY boys.
I'll let you know......