Sunday, 4 July 2010

Never-At-Home Education Part One - Breaking up

I really really need to write a nice new post but I haven't had a moment for aeons.    Here's a skanky lame excuse.....  

My house is a freak show.   My kids are feral and about to be offered on e-bay.    Nobody's got any clean clothes.    Tinned soup for lunch whether you like it or not.    And I'm beyond exhausted.  

Despite not doing a  'school run'  everyday  -  2 or 4 or 6 times a day  (I still have the memories)  I am still constantly on the run every bleedin' day the Sun/Rain/Wind sends.    My car is so full of food I really ought to stick it in an envelope and send it to the poor starving children in Africa  -  as I'm sure we have all called our bluff on our parents' not-so-empty plates threat of old   (as discussed lately on poor lamenting Mr Shev's blog).     Sorry I'm not making any sense...... I'm breaking up.....

Breaking up.    That sounds good actually.    Do Home Educators  'break up'  for the summer?  

I'm not sure what that would entail.    If we carried on doing our thing  -  we might be in danger of coming into contact with  'school children'.    Everybody knows this is not a good idea.    For a start we are all religious nutters and might start talking in tongues.    Secondly we don't know how to socialize and we might eat other people's smaller children  -  probably surreptitiously in an area marked  'Only food purchased from this establishment to be eaten here'.    Home Edders can't read.    Obviously.    And another thing  - we'd find ourselves having to pay  FULL PRICE  for something.    The fall out from this would not be pretty.    We might shout.    Cause a scene.    Bring unwanted attention to ourselves.    That wouldn't do anything for our image..........    (We can add and subtract when it suits us.)      

But for now we're still fitting in  gymnastics,   football,   ice skating,   street dancing,   karate,   art workshops,   park frolics,   swimming,   museum visits,   nature walks,   bug frightening,   pond dipping/dripping,   rock clambering  (not rock climbing  -  rock clambering)   and our usual hall sessions with its associated explosions,   together with the family stuff  and the hell-known-as-shopping  -  (ooh  -  we've dropped drama  -  well,  as in between  4.30 and 6.00pm on a Monday evening within an agreed allocated space  -  not as in our everyday over-the-top bloody dramas involving bedroom territorial wars and attempted sibling poisonings etc).    Everybody has to kind of    W A S H    of an evening too  (for why Madame for WHY???)   'Cos of the damned POLLEN!    My ears are retracting ever more with every bloody  sniff   snifff    ssnnniiiifffffff .......    aaaaaAAAAARRGGH H H H  H   H    H ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Change the bloody beds?   But I just did that at Easter didn't I?

And when I do manage to turn the spray onto the contaminated stinking sneezing urchins  -   they go out in the bloody garden again.    'It's still light!    Wheeeeeee!......'  

I don't stand a bloody chance.  

And what with this ridiculous notion of how it's so nice in the summer to properly peg out the clothes?    Yeah.......    It's a notion.    It used to be a chore and then they invented the lovely tumble dryer.    And then people got notions about the good old days when you'd hang out the washing in the lovely sunshine.    And then it became a duty to not use the lovely lovely tumble dryer in the lovely summer.    And then husbands get all complainy about the house being all hot and how much money it costs blah blah blah.....  and it's such a joy to be able to peg out the washing in the lovely sunshine.....    But who is pegging out the bloody washing in the lovely bloody sunshine?    Hmmmmmn?     Yes  -  bloody ME!    No you haven't got any bloody dinner because I'M PEGGING OUT THE BLOODY WASHING IN THE LOVELY BLOODY SUNSHINE!!!!!    I really don't need to be reminded that it's 9.30pm and they haven't had their pollen-shifting showers yet.    I've got 3 more festering loads of bed sheets here that I washed yesterday waiting to go on the line and I'm busy rescuing this mummy spider and her 75 babies from the knickers that I hung out 4 nights ago and didn't have time to get off  and ..... and.........      

...........AND I NEED A BREAK!!!!!!!

                               *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *      *       *       *       *       *

I'm not complaining about the lovely sunshine.    I love the lovely sunshine.    It would just be nice to appreciate it face on,   relaxed like.    As opposed to back-of-neck-on with arms in the air like.

And I'm not complaining about our lovely busy life and all the lovely things we do.    It's fab.    It's mental,   but fab.

I just need to calm it all down  -  a bit.    And maybe have a  'summer holidays'  sort of gig ourselves.    It's called 'breaking up'  I believe.    Never been so apt a phrase.  

In a couple of weeks I can reclaim Fridays.    Fridays can be our new Sabbath.    I shall worship the God of Pissing About Aimlessly in Our Own Filth most devoutly.    A-men.

                               *       *       *       *       *       *      *       *       *       *       *       *       *

And then everybody else will  'break up'  from school and ring us up and say  'let's get together!    What days have you got free?'  

Ohgodohgodohgod....think woman think! .............    Sob  sob  sob   ''

'Perfect!    Let's go swimming!'

'W-W-W-W-Wha-Wha-Wha-Wha-Wha-t?    Bu-Bu-Bu-Bu-Bu-Bu-Bu.........     Nnnn-nnnnn-nnnnnn-nnnnnn..........    Hu-hu-hu-hu-hu-hu-hu-hu.........  eeeee!    eeeee!    eeee!      eeeee! ohmyohmyohmyohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod
 OHMYGODOHMYGOD OH MY GOD   O H    MY   GOD      O  H   M  Y    G    O    D  !!!!!!!!


                                JESUS,   MARY   AND   JOSEPH!!!  

                                                       ARE YOU  I N S A N E?


                                                                        F UC K    O F F !!!'



  1. I love you. Hilarious woman you... Gota go, pegging out washing..... yes, in the rain! Saves washing it first!

  2. Blimey Missus! I'd just ranted and pressed 'publish'. Put some noodles on (to cook - not to wear - not yet) Thought to myself 'I bet none of that makes sense. I'll just have a look. Added a couple of hopefully explanatory sentences. Hit the button again and WOW! The most prompt comment in the history of!

    I bow down to your efficiency.

    Now I'd better drain those noodles.

  3. I suggest a return to tumble-drying the washing because:
    a) it will relieve you of pegging out duties

    b) pollen won't get a chance to stick to the washing so urchins won't sneeze as much.

    Thank you. You may return to your noodles you deranged woman.



    It just doesn't become me, being 'good'.

    Deranged suits me much better. Thank you!

  5. Best lines - about changing the beds. "I just did that at Easter didn't I?" and the pollen-shifting showers - so true, so true.

    I love coming here for a pick me up. You're doing a grand public service Madame Smoking. Or should that be Madame Gun. Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh. Or should that be 'Cry and you wet your face.'

    Smoochers. If that's not too forward.

  6. Hilarious as ever. But Lord, woman, I am knackered just reading this! What do you want to go and do all those exciting things with your children for? Just stick the telly on like I do, and let NickJr take care of educating them. (Did I mention my children are in the bottom group at school? For everything?)
    Yes, you need, and deserve, a rest. Give me your postcode and I will send you some valium and some coins for the launderette.

  7. Ooooooooooh!!! NWBI - Don't get me started on the launderette!!!! I might start on my long yet unadventurous story of me and my king size duvet - I'll spare you. Anyway - I bet my kids are way more bottom groupy than yours. Even I have expelled them.

    DB! I like the Smoochers! They sound good. Are they like Munchies?

  8. mme sg, I hear your PAIN.

    now i know when the school holidays start. two years ago, at great yarmouth sea life centre, they made me QUEUE. I had to STAND IN A QUEUE. home educators NEVER STAND IN QUEUES. what is this thing? why did they torture me like that? I HAVE NEVER FORGIVEN THEM FOR THIS.

    and the paying thing too! FULL PRICE???

  9. I keep fielding questions like 'When can we go to ********** again?' They don't care for my answers. Monkey Boy announced he's 'going to have his birthday party at Legoland'. His birthday is in August. He will have the usual scrape up of kids who are not on holiday plus their siblings to make it look good in the garden with a new football if he's bleedin' lucky.

    His birthday is the day after his brother. They want separate parties. At 'places'.

    In August.

    In their hopeful little dreams.

    Aaaaw,,,,, BAD mutha.