Saturday, 11 June 2011


Yup. I'm still on my arse.  It's lunchtime and I'm still on my arse. I've drunk all the coffee and eaten all the biscuits. This is my arse day. Should read 'birthday' but 'arseday' is more descriptive.

Planning to sweep lots of crap from my new desk - I mean update the scrapbooks.... obviously. And book-i-fy the collapsing A2 portfolios stuffed with kids' creative masterpieces so I can destroy (or helpfully pass on) those bleedin' folders. Also have a disgusting mouldy A1 portfolio crammed with my old artwork. I recently sorted out my old notebooks/sketchbooks and realised how crap I always was - going thro' the contents of this old beast will probably finish me off BUT I'm sick of it hanging around and a Fresh Start is The Thing. SO - well I'll do it in a minute.

Wish me luck. Delving into one's past isn't always advisable. In fact, this house move has unveiled hibernating personality disorders. According to Mr Roving Blade I have 'tons of crap'. My crap is boxes and folders of 'stuff' I've made over the years - or stuff with which to make new 'stuff'. This is what I've got to show for my time on earth. Cracked boxes. Now Mr RB has lots of photographs of places he's been and the people with whom he was there. He looks at the pictures now and mutters that he doesn't even remember doing any of it. Cracked memories. This is what he has to show for his time on earth.

What's best? Boxes of 'stuff' to trip over? (But it proves I existed! Shows I tried!) Or pictures of things you can't remember? (But it's evidence of adventure! He had a life!)

Should I clear this desk after all....... To half pursue another creative dream...... Fill up another box of STUFF..... to clutter up another corner of my world...... Is there any point?

Looking back at my old 'work' (ha) - I don't really feel great. I'm no Picasso. But should that matter? Should I just give up 'cos I'm not Good Enough? I did that with music.

What if I did that with parenting? Somehow I just keep plodding on with the washing and making toast. The kids are still alive. I don't care if I'm no Fanny Craddock. They don't expect anything better! I've brainwashed them into thinking good housekeeping is a cover for devil worship and not to trust other people's mothers if they have nice houses or tasty dinners.

But being a domestic goddess was never part of my identity anyway. Being 'good at art' was! When I was three. Up to about 17. That was when I went to art college and discovered that I was not special. Surrounded by 'good at art'ers. Idendity crisis. Being a weirdo as a kid was fine if you had your own 'thing' that got you thro' - like being 'good at art'. Now what? All the other art college kids were better at being weirdos too. I started dressing like a secretary to be different.

Ended up working in an office later - and dressed like a tramp. Now I'm a responsible mother thing I dress like a toddler.

Now - I'm just good at arse.

But then what a sudden turnabout - just got a text from my beloved. The back story: In France. Camping with 10 boys from Frog Boy's dopey football team. Entire weekend of football tournament. It took them about 12 hours to drive to the campsite yesterday. I'm the only absent mother. Waved them off yesterday morning after screaming row about taking blankets as well as the sleeping bags. He said he had no room in the car. I asked when was the last time he'd gone camping? I shoved blankets in. We glared. And now - the texts:

Lost the first 2 games... Woeful x

Lost number 3

I try to be helpful and reply: Oh! Have you got decent weather? Anything positive to focus on? Pissing down wildly here! x

Comes the response: Good we need the rain! Weather is lovely, didn't sleep last night, fucking frozen, uncomfortable and guy in next door tent snoring all night. Needed 3 wee's so must have got a chill, no showers and only hole in the ground bog, feeling miserable and tired, you're coming next year!!!! xx

My sensitive answer: Oh no I'm not. I've got life. So .... short of blankets were you? !!!!!!!!! And snoring - awww! Poor thing! Rain's stopped. Think I'll run a bubble bath..... x

God that's cheered me up! I'm gonna do some marmite sandwiches and clear the damn desk! Yay me!!!!

Just got a new text. Unrepeatable. Beside myself with mirth now!!!! Never had 'good wife' as part of my identity either.


  1. There's nothing better than a blog post titled 'Arse'.

  2. Ooh but now you've thrown down the gauntlet! I've got to top it now!!

    Actually I think I should just stick with titles and forget the rambling nonsense that takes up space underneath. Way easier....

  3. Our home is filled with 'crap' and 'stuff', mine are old memories, husband's are recent purchases of trashy thriller novels.

    Heading off on a tangent here, but reading this reminded me of the time when a cookery presenter, having watched Mrs Craddock and Johnny rustle up a dish, said, "I hope your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's"

  4. It's the minutia that grinds us down..... someone ought to make fancy pants cardboard boxes with slogans on like 'Herewith is contained my life..... pre kids' or 'My dreams - boxed..'

    I'd best stop before I wind myself up...


  5. Oh T@MGt!!!! That's the funniest thing I've EVER EVER heard!!!! Been having another really mopey day (yeah you guessed it -still haven't cleared the desk...) and that has cheered me beyond belief!

    Lou - stop it or I'll start sobbing again!!!! Think I'll label my boxes with my new dream mantra: the hope that all one's doughnuts turn out like Fanny's!!!

  6. That's a good comment about not being able to give up on parenting. Maybe if we applied that "no choice but to go on" we'd all be running our respective countries. Keep your old artwork! it will be a great reminder (and source of income) when finally you show in the Tate Modern.

  7. yes, keep your artwork. if your kids go to art college, they can mine your old sketchbooks and pass the designs off as theirs, then your crap will look vintage and retro but in a modern setting. with that unbeatably stylish twist it will get the AA* it deserved the first time round.

  8. Ha Ha!!!! If I was clever enough to take photos of this stuff and download (upload? downtown? uptown? ) them AND post them up - you'd all change your tunes to be sure!!! But I like your sentiments - me in the Tate Mod with an AA* sticker!!!! You've even got me believing I can prise open that stiffened with mould portfolio and not cry over those poster paint disasterpieces - those Jimi Hendrix and David Bowie album cover covers will take on a whole new feeling!!! Hysteria!

    Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhh.......... you lot know how to cheer me up!!!!