Saturday, 2 April 2011

I May Have To Punch You

Phrases that fill my stomach with stew. I hate stew. Just the word makes me think spew. For that is what I did last time I was made to eat stew. You can call it casserole but that word makes me think asshole. Stew is stew is spew.

Back to the point. I hear these sentences spewed out all too often. I will punch the next mouth that lets them out.

1. The kids'll love it.
2. You can't miss it.
3. Can I just make one tiny comment?
4. Recipes the whole family will love.
5. Ooh you've got your hands full!
6. Just a short hop from .....
7. Easy to follow fully illustrated ..... A child of 4 can do it.
8. Just ringing for a chat.
9. Well I hate to interfere but .....
10. What you want to do is .....
11. Are you busy on Sunday?
12. If, like me, you're one of those people who .....
13. Just tell me what days you're free.
14. That reminds me of a funny story .....
15. Everybody else seems to like it/can do it.
16. Well at this age they will be .....
17. I know what you're thinking .....
18. It's simple .....
19. When I was your age .....
20. Could you be a poppet and just .....
21. Well you know my opinion of Sondheim!

Sorry - that last one kind of slipped out. Family thing. Dear Ma. Still there is one thing that unites us and that is a deep loathing of Mothers Day. So Gawdblesser for that.

I do hate being told what to do. And other 'people' telling my offspring when and what to do in order to bend me into whatever it is I'm expected to be doing. Bloody nonsense. Don't patronise me by pretending I deserve chocolates and flowers one day a year and then try selling toilet cleaner to me for the other 364 days. I will still be picking up pants and wiping bottoms and de-scumming cups tomorrow. Don't be making me feel resentful that the world is still real. And I eat chocolate all year round thank you. Don't need you to tell me when it's permissable.

And if any braindead fuckwit EVER thinks I'm going to enjoy a Michael Buble album in this or any future dribbling lifetime then they'd better run like buggery before I ram it up their fetid casserole.

22. The perfect gift for Mothers Day.

..... is no stoopid Mothers Day. Be nice to me all year round please.


  1. Give that woman a box of continentals and a begonia....she deserves it for this post!

    I can see that list being written inside a Hallmark card.

  2. A whole new career? Funny how I'd never thought of that one....

  3. The Sondheim one made me laugh even though I know it's a private joke.

    Yes it's a weird one Mother's Day. I tend to hate being told what to do,too, and when to do it. I would smash a Michael Buble CD so hard if he'd sing Cry Me a River in an even higher pitched voice than he does now. Okay - how do I even know Michael Buble covered that song? The shame.

  4. The Booble, as he's known in our house just seems to get everywhere - don't worry - it's not your fault!