OK. So we didn't get any Marks Brothers films. Or Buster Keaton. Or Laurel and Hardy. It's Xmas you TV scheduling bastards! I want people falling off buildings and being run-over by trains. You gave us Jesus Christ Superstar and Chocolat. Both perfectly lovely but EASTER films dickheads. It's bloody Xmas and I want funny with no pathos. I have no brain left after the sure-fire burn of December. I want FUNNY! The only reason I haven't got violent is 'cos we DID get The Goodies. Phew!!! Thank god someone out there understands me.
Now it's supposed to be that nice bit in-between The Noisy Family Thing and The Noisy Friends Thing. The bit where you can watch whole films, eat shit and wear the same clothes for a week. The nice bit when you can catch up on nice things you don't normally have time for like...... scrapbooks and papier mache trees. But not if you've buggered your right arm building a stupid igloo. No. Obviously I still have to do the crap things like washing-up, wiping bottoms and emptying the bins. Oh yes. But not make a fuss. Fuss is not allowed in this house. Making a sling from a scarf and putting frozen peas on the swelling is considered attention-seeking. As is having a little sit down. Unless The Goodies is on. So Thank You Baby Jesus for pretending to be born so I could have a little arm-rest with Tim, Bill and Graeme. The Three Wise Men.
And despite my griping, I AM eating shit and wearing the same clothes as yesterday. My left arm is getting better at typing. And I have managed to see the beginning of Mean Girls, the middle of Transformers and the end of Clueless Some day I'll make sense of it all.
But we have a new problem. It's called New Year's Eve.
Normally we just sort of ignore it. We have in the past pretended to the kids that we are having a party with just us and dressed up. Even Fancy Dress. One year we went so far as a Fancy Dress Shop and let them choose something. They chose me a PVC nun's outfit. Weird kids. But I haven't got the energy for all this forced fun anymore. Now Xmas is one thing - we do as we're told, go where we're expected, eat what we're given, watch what's on telly and say 'Lovely' alot. Then we do this again on The Other Side. I don't mean in The Underworld. I mean Petts Wood. Near Orpington. OK it is The Underworld. Then we shut our doors and fester in our filth until bloody New Year's Eve rears its stinking pain in the arse and we're expected to be sociable all over again. It's not that we never get invitations. We have - really. It's more that we just don't believe that Fun is never-ending.
We need to find a new family tradition for this deeply annoying 'celebration'. I'm happy to keep up with Father Xmas and the Advent Fairies (well, happy-ish). And I'm down with the Easter Bunny, and like totally chilled with being all Halloweeny, and even Valentinesy. These mostly entail Putting Sweets Somewhere. But the Now? My house is currently heaving with sweets. And I have no desire to open the door. It's cold. I've done smiling and worn tights twice this week already. Oh - I just hate fun.
Letting them stay up and watch Jools Holland? Boring. That won't cut it. We may remember the days of Andy Stewart and Moira Anderson but tell the kids that and it's as interesting as the orange in the stocking lecture.
Mr Roving Blade suggested cooking something special.
Duuuhhhhhhhh!!!!! With OUR kids? Stupid.
Or a Games Night?
Fight Club sprang to mind.
Gather round the piano for a good old singalong?
One of Little Rock Godling's compositions perhaps? I Don't Have To Be The Biggest Wanker, You Don't Have To Be The Biggest Wanker, We Don't Have To Be The Biggest Wankers medley in 6 part harm-o-nee.
Think we have about 5 episodes of The Goodies on Planner.
Think we have a Plan!!!
All Nite Non-stop Goodie Fest! ....All Nite - ish.
It might just work...
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Saved by the genius of a giant pussy!!!!! And not for the first time!!!
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