Thursday, 9 September 2010

And the Award Goes To.....


The Award for Least Popular Wife of the Year that is.

As you may have deduced, we have a blinkin' expensive August, followed by a starting-everyflippin'thing-again September which requires lots of sobbing cheque-writing at the worst possible time. If we had a cheque book that is. So I have been on a mission to be the most frugal good wife a striving self-employed man of ever-disappearing means could have. You know, I still haven't replaced my favourite dark green shimmery eye-shadow after the conjunctivitus adventures! THAT's how seriously I'm taking my spartan role.

But...... remember the car? The one I just popped into the garage about 2 weeks ago cos I thought the gears seemed a bit tricky. Well, IT'S READY! And with a service to get it through the MOT (unlike last year) to boot. Good news surely?

Bye bye last little penny in the jar. Bye bye credit card which is soon to be taken away by the nice people to save it from further abuse.

Hello car who isn't worth half as much money as you've just had spent on you. Hello soup. For the next 6 months.

Sod off Xmas. We shan't be needing your services this year.

Hello Freezer of Hate to which our children shall be sending us.

Or is that just me?

Bad Wife! Staaaaaaaay.......within your overdraft limit! DOH! Bad wife!!!!!!!!!!

Euuuuhhhhh....... Someone woke up after I'd got that far the other night and that was that. Abandoned ship. Dredged it up again tonight and had Mr GPants reading it over my shoulder.


I think that counts as talking to me.

Five minutes later he came back in all perky. 'I splashed out on something we needed today. Have a look!'

(Oooohh what could it be? I'm all tits and teeth. Has be been in the back room at Ann Summers?)

It's a digital thermometer.

Point those nipples back to the floor.

'Will it work?' (We've had these damn things before. Never work.)

His own happy boy nipples also slump. I've said the wrong thing again. He walks out.

From the kitchen I hear 'You certainly know how to ruin someone's life!'

I can hardly breathe in between silent cackles but manage 'And the award goes to ME!!!'

And tearfully (yes I am sniggering that much), I remember all those songs I have murdered over the years for him with a subtle change of lyrics. That naff one about my dad's dead and I never spoke to him - 'In the living years room'

'You make me feel like a natural woman yoghurt'

... what's that Bob Dylan one - oh yeah Sixteen Years - 'He wakes her up wanks her off'

Ohh - my special favourite - Circles of Your Mind. No lyric change needed. Just a timely pause.... 'Like the ripples of a coin. Someone tosses in a stream'

Ah there's loads that I can't remember until we get a Daddy Special CD in the car. It's not map-reading in our marriage that's the problem. It's not giving due respect to Todd Rundgren.

Firstly I would like to thank my family for moulding my early consciousness into the mis-shapen freak-form jelly I have then had to work with all my life. Thanks you guys. And my darling children. What can I say? You have taken me places I would never have discovered alone. Like Ward 3. And finally my amazing talented beautiful husband, Mr GPants. Without you I would have no joy. Everyone needs a dog to kick. And you are the perfect panting mutt to my shiny wedgey knee-high.

Thank you all! I love you!! God loves you!!! God elp us Get me off this bloody podium you skankhead. I've got a as-yet unblemished exhaust pipe needs this trophy shoved up it. Get out of my way........


  1. This is such a great post - back room of Ann Summers, point those nipples back to the floor - great stuff Madame!

    We've never had a thermometer in our house - if child felt hot, give Calpol until cooler, that was it.

    I'm going to have to go away and think of some lyrics - that will amuse me greatly as I hang the washing out on such a good drying day...I am saintly wife today, though sent husband to Tesco so could do better.

  2. Ah, there's no one funnier than you, Madame! I am going to have to appropriate 'You make me feel like a natural yogurt...' Feel it will annoy my own husband no end.

  3. Truly funny or clever lyric changes are somehow too much. Making something totally banal seems to aggravate on a much deeper level. It sticks. I laugh.

    The thermometer thing got a trial run yesterday as Thuglet seemed a bit off. I was totally disturbed when I decided (against my nature) to read the instructions and found I could choose whether to stick it in his gob, his armpit or up his bum. The technique for the latter was described very clearly. WTF kind of parent is going to shove a small beeping stick up their child's little bot? Made me shiver. The less contact with boys bottoms (especially if they're not well) the better I'd say. Weird.

  4. Oh and by the way due to some accident on the M23 yesterday evening I discovered that map reading is in fact a big problem in our marriage. BIG. Nuff said.

    That award is safe in my hands for years to come.

  5. can't find a way to contact you, but don't think you get away that easily. Congratulations in making it into AOL ParentDish's roundup of the best blogs

  6. Well done, Mrs SG! I read the Parentdish post that Joanne has written and yes, you're in it.

    Copy and paste the link woman!

  7. What IS Parentdish? I did find the site but still don't understand what it IS. Is it linked to Tesco's or am I being dim?

    Anyway - very nice and thank you Joanne. Makes a very pleasant change to be patted on the head instead of the usual being pointed at.