Another Feeble Attempt? THIS time baby.......!

Just a quick one - there's a lead in to something naughty.

But it's naughtiness I'm bothered with at the moment. I kind of want to be a grown-up.........sort of.

Not like other grown-ups - ie BORING and stressed and lacking imagination etc. I mean I would like to be able to respond to any given situation without my current over-use of the axe-wielding Anglo-Saxon 'shit - fuck - tit - wank - bollocks - bloody - arse - cunt' rap.

I know I've made this resolution before. And it lasted about 4 minutes. But I want to sound cleverer than I am - and at the moment I'm coming across as teenage sub-mammal scum.

I think I should like to compile a list of really good non-sweary swear words - I don't mean useless unsatisfying lame utterances like 'botheration' and 'I say!' - I mean really good HARD short face-slapping gutteral stabs of venom that get the aggression out all right but don't leave you feeling embarrassed you've just spat out vile contamination in front of someone else's traumatised child or mother-in-law. I NEED HELP with this - my 'wow' or 'oops' vocabulary is all too barbaric - too obvious - and too boysie.

I do remember a very funny game I once played with a small gang of not-quite-the-ticket-types at some artist chap's opening of his Art Mill up in Bradford - terrible memory again - oh Nicholas Treadwell it was - way back in the mists of lager and curry days. My friend had some studio space there and a couple of us went up to join in with the organic wine and vegetarian nibbles ceremony to mark it's grand birth. And of course it was populated by lovely dangly-earringed posh arty types. Despite being a dangly-earringed vegetarian arty type myself, I despised this scenario - and yet delighted in despising it. Attracted to the usual retrobate company (ie my friend and her friends) we were happily playing childish games like substituting a word in a film title for 'penis' (free organic wine abuse made this much funnier at the time) and the even more creative 'find a swear word that isn't a swear word for every letter of the alphabet'. We'd just got to 'f' and found ourselves frowning and wordless for seemingly aeons when the glass tapping and sshhhing for the speeches stilled all murmurs and the whole place was s i l e n t . A couple of minutes into the excruciating welcomes, thank yous and hopeful manifestoes, lapped up by smiling posh arties, one of our gang suddenly yelled out 'FLAPS!'

It echoed.

But that's the kind of creativity I need now. Good strong feel-good full-fat words.

Oh yeah - and I kind of want to stop blabbering on about myself and my lack of social graces and get back to sharing wholesome tales of non-academic home educating achievement. Like ....... um ............. oh yes! At the local museum on Monday - all about rocks and stuff - my Minx was coming out with actual factuals about flint and stone-age practices and the Easter Island heads and I was smirking away in the background thinking 'when did she pick up all that stuff?' So, you see, they do pick up all that stuff somewhere down the line even if you don't realise it. However, my face of proud awe soon twitched into folds of How Do I Get Out Of Here whenever Rock Godling opened his mouth. I can't even remember what he said exactly (still swirling above my struggling-to-understand conciousness waiting to land) but each surreal statement was delivered with wonderful confidence..... and projection. Thankfully other HE mums just smile happily - blessing your bewildering child for making theirs seem 'normal' for a little while.

But a big ol framed photograph of our 'gang' is even hanging in the current display in the gallery of the museum - and labelled - so there Baroness Screech! Here we flapping well are!