Thursday, 18 March 2010

Another Feeble Attempt? THIS time baby.......!

Just a quick one - there's a lead in to something naughty.

But it's naughtiness I'm bothered with at the moment. I kind of want to be a grown-up.........sort of.

Not like other grown-ups - ie BORING and stressed and lacking imagination etc. I mean I would like to be able to respond to any given situation without my current over-use of the axe-wielding Anglo-Saxon 'shit - fuck - tit - wank - bollocks - bloody - arse - cunt' rap.

I know I've made this resolution before. And it lasted about 4 minutes. But I want to sound cleverer than I am - and at the moment I'm coming across as teenage sub-mammal scum.

I think I should like to compile a list of really good non-sweary swear words - I don't mean useless unsatisfying lame utterances like 'botheration' and 'I say!' - I mean really good HARD short face-slapping gutteral stabs of venom that get the aggression out all right but don't leave you feeling embarrassed you've just spat out vile contamination in front of someone else's traumatised child or mother-in-law. I NEED HELP with this - my 'wow' or 'oops' vocabulary is all too barbaric - too obvious - and too boysie.

I do remember a very funny game I once played with a small gang of not-quite-the-ticket-types at some artist chap's opening of his Art Mill up in Bradford - terrible memory again - oh Nicholas Treadwell it was - way back in the mists of lager and curry days. My friend had some studio space there and a couple of us went up to join in with the organic wine and vegetarian nibbles ceremony to mark it's grand birth. And of course it was populated by lovely dangly-earringed posh arty types. Despite being a dangly-earringed vegetarian arty type myself, I despised this scenario - and yet delighted in despising it. Attracted to the usual retrobate company (ie my friend and her friends) we were happily playing childish games like substituting a word in a film title for 'penis' (free organic wine abuse made this much funnier at the time) and the even more creative 'find a swear word that isn't a swear word for every letter of the alphabet'. We'd just got to 'f' and found ourselves frowning and wordless for seemingly aeons when the glass tapping and sshhhing for the speeches stilled all murmurs and the whole place was s i l e n t . A couple of minutes into the excruciating welcomes, thank yous and hopeful manifestoes, lapped up by smiling posh arties, one of our gang suddenly yelled out 'FLAPS!'

It echoed.

But that's the kind of creativity I need now. Good strong feel-good full-fat words.

Oh yeah - and I kind of want to stop blabbering on about myself and my lack of social graces and get back to sharing wholesome tales of non-academic home educating achievement. Like ....... um ............. oh yes! At the local museum on Monday - all about rocks and stuff - my Minx was coming out with actual factuals about flint and stone-age practices and the Easter Island heads and I was smirking away in the background thinking 'when did she pick up all that stuff?' So, you see, they do pick up all that stuff somewhere down the line even if you don't realise it. However, my face of proud awe soon twitched into folds of How Do I Get Out Of Here whenever Rock Godling opened his mouth. I can't even remember what he said exactly (still swirling above my struggling-to-understand conciousness waiting to land) but each surreal statement was delivered with wonderful confidence..... and projection. Thankfully other HE mums just smile happily - blessing your bewildering child for making theirs seem 'normal' for a little while.

But a big ol framed photograph of our 'gang' is even hanging in the current display in the gallery of the museum - and labelled - so there Baroness Screech! Here we flapping well are!


  1. When I was a child my mum used to use the phrase 'hells bells and buckets of blood' (sometimes abbreviated to 'hells bells'). For some strange reason I found this far more terrifying coming out of the mouth of my meek and mild mother, than any of the very blue obscenities that emitted from my dad. You see, context is everything. Maybe you should start wearing tweed skirts and sensible shoes.

    Flaps is good. I like that one. Can't think of any other alternatives. I must be far too grown up.

    Ds1 is at that age when he's trying to find alternatives to swear words under my frowning far he's only come up with shhhhhhh....izzles (said very slowly while I look at him with that 'don't you dare swear in public look'). Trouble is it just sounds like the dog out of Charlie and Lola, which isn't so cool for an 11 yr old.

    Ds2 doesn't bother with all that. He uses the originals with the full confidence of a child who knows his mum loves him, whatever he says.

    Grow up? Nah. I think you're allowed to have the occasional sensible home educating blog post. Even crazy people have sensible moments.

  2. Hmmnn - I asked Minx today where she'd picked up her stone age and Easter Island head knowledge and she said 'Dum Dum - want gum gum' - from 'Night at the Museum'.


  3. I've just spent the evening watching clips of Malcolm Tucker from The Thick of it so I'm right out of non-fucky expletives right now.

    One of dd1's first spontaneous phrases was "Fuck's Sake" said with spot on exasperation whilst surveying all the books she had pulled of two shelves. We were in the company of my folks who are also partial to swearing and we laughed on that one for ages.

    Well I sucked on a bit of dark chocolate and thought a bit harder and found one from our family vocabulary. Arse burger. As in "I've had an arse burger of a day" or as an expletive on its own. Apparently Dilbert said this at some point back in Mr G's comic strip-reading past.

  4. Well whatever you come up with I reckon it has to begin with 'b' because the most satisfying words begin with 'b'. Boobs, bollocks, bum, bastard, bloody, bugger, oh botheration...

  5. I've been thinking about this all weekend (no, I don't have anything better to do, thank you). Words that sound like swear words but aren't - it's darned tricky. Unless one resorts to saying things like 'Cup sucker'. Have you seen the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm when Larry David's restaurant opening descends into a massive swearathon? I recommend it if you haven't, mainly for cuddly Jeff Garlin's 'Jism! Jism! Grandma! Jism!'
    Not helpful, huh?

  6. Thank you all for your delightful contributions. It is tricky 'cos swearing is so satisfying. THAT's why we HAVE such good swear words.

    I'm sure in the spirit of the Flaps boy the best ideas will come at the least appropriate time.

    Almost worth going to church for. Maybe I'll do a Harold and Maude and start gate-crashing funerals for inspiration. Could be plenty of Hells Bells and Buckets of Blood there. Lots of 'b's.

    I do like arse burger tho'.

    I'm wondering if Cup Sucker has any history? Could I look this up on