Sunday, 21 February 2010

We thought she was such a nice girl

Got me thinking about my swearing. Remembered my finest moment. About 9 years ago.

After an extremely long and emotional wrangle with a cowboy garage not fixing my car properly after a smash, and having to threaten to get another garage to do it for which I would charge the first garage, they agreed to buy the car off me. Their gorilla slapped a cheque at me and drove off my precious but violated little red mini late on Friday afternoon.

First thing Saturday Mr Man dropped me into town to stick the cheque in at Nationwide. Then the bastards wouldn't accept it 'cos one of the letters in my name on the scrawled cheque looked a bit like another letter, sort of, if you were a cunt.

I said lots of high pitched things to her and her supervisor and to anyone else in ear-shot before stamping out, knocking someone over in the process I recall. Picked up my mobile, stabbed in the number and screamed my message on the home answer-phone - 'You won't fucking believe the fucking cunts in that fucking bastard place they wouldn't fucking take the wanking fucking bastard cheque the felching shitkicking wanking fucking cuntshaped cock-sucking fucking wank bastards I'm going to fucking throw a wanking brick through their bollocking fucking window and burn the fucking cunthole place down.' Click.

Oh look, the bank's open.

In I trotted. Put the cheque in no problem. Have a nice day. I'll just ring Mr back and tell him it's OK. Tap tap tap......clonk - the sound of the penny dropping.

You know when you don't actually dial your own home number that often... ? But there is a number I can dial in my sleep and that number is....... ah.... oh. Tap tap tap.... ' I think I just left a message on your answer-phone by mistake. I was a bit cross and um...well it's alright now and um...sorry about that. Byee.' Oh god oh god.

Tap tap tap.....'Hello kind of just left a message on your mum and dad's phone......'

Meanwhile, back from the shops come my father-in-law, mother-in-law, sister-in-law, her husband and their 2 children. 'Oh look - there's a message on the machine' ............

Yes, it still gets mentioned.

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